Aikido as a way of life.

I love this time of year. I celebrate my mom's and my gram's passing around advent. My mom died the day after Christmas and my gram 2 weeks before. Not the same year. My mom died 5 years after my Gram. Now they are my Winter angels. I love amd miss them even though it is 32 and 37 years ago.  Advent means coming or arrival. It helps us get ready for the return of the light. This year I embraced the darkness and focused on deep healing. I feel the wonder the season and the potential of more healing to come. Part of Aikido training is to accept what is and blend with it. I have been able to do that with help of my Holy Mother this year. It is such a better way to experience the world. People do what they do because of where they are in their own healing process. I am learning to love and accept my loved ones no matter what.  I let go of who I was to become who I can be. 

 Since the holidays can be emotionally tricky, Ron and I decided to have informal classes on Zoom at our regular time. We meet at 6:30 PM on Tuesday, Thursday and at 10 AM on Saturday. We train for a half hour starting with ki exercises and then, light practice. So far, we have been joined by a couple of students each time. We are committed to train even if no one else shows up. Aikido is a destresser for both of us.  The holidays seem more like holy days this year. Our Aikido training is helping with the transition of being in the wonder of the season instead of wondering what the heck is going on within our extended family. See ya on Zoom.

 Well not quite alone. Yesterday we cancelled classs becuase no one was coming. Ron and I practiced toghther. It was fun and lighthaerted. I am grateful to be able to to train with my partner. 

 First of all, I have to reframe the title. My mind would like to make the times difficult. Through the lens of my practice, I will define them as different. Our dojo has gotten smaller. Students have died, left for personal reasons or are practicing with us on zoom. We do have 2 students who are regularly coming to the dojo. I am grateful for all who train with us. Aikido practice cleans my mind, spirit and body of negativity. When I start to think things should be different than they are, I remind myself of what I am grateful for, such as: a beautiful dojo at my house, a partner to train with, commitment of 35 years, being able to move freely at 65, students, and a general sense of well being. Covid time has provided me with quiet time that  I might have felt guilty about and not taken for myself. When my mind wanders to self pity I can practice being centered and relish what is because I can't change most of it.  I can change how I view things and I am grateful that I still get

 So long ago and still I remember every detail of the day.

 At our dojo we believe that Aikido should be for anyone who wants it. We do charges dues but if someone wants to train and is having financial difficulty, they are welcomed. We ask that everyone be vaccinated if they are going to train at the dojo. 

We have class tonight at 6:30. We are on Zoom and in the dojo. I hope someone comes to class so I can train. I need a spirit cleansing.  I could train even if no one comes but the exchange of energy is really good for me and for them. Last Tuesday we had 9 people - so fingers crossed. See ya on the mat.  

 I got my shingles shot yesterday. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I didn't feel sick just uncomfortable. When I got up, I felt better because I could distract myself first by walking, and then by reading.  I took 2 Tylenol at 4 AM and went to sleep. This morning I feel as if my brain is trailing my head by about 6 inches.  So I get to practice this day, in this way. I will stay as centered as I can, take it in baby steps, one at a time and enjoy the pure joy of being alive. 

 Sometimes the best practice is just to keep quiet and hang on. Sometimes it is to speak up. Sometimes to walk away. Aikido training helps us to tune into our centers and respond naturally.  My best decisions come from my center not my brain. While I am centered, I feel in the flow of things. Life happens in a easy sequence. It's when I leave the now to romance self-centered fears or unlikely fantasies that I get a little wack-a-doodle.  My practice is inspired by O'Sensei, who taught about returning to center immediately when we became aware that we are not centered. No judgment needed. No harsh words of recrimination required. Just return to center and proceed with the day. How I love this practice. 

 Last night we had nine people at class. Ron couldn't train because he has as a bad case of shingles. His suffering from the shingles has been terrible.  Our training helps us maintain decorum when all could go to hell. We treat each other with respect and acknowledge that we experience the world in different ways.  I was grateful to be able to get on the mat and train. It clears me out of tiredness and negativity. I feel wrung free and ready to start over.  Today is a new day. I am grateful for what I learn on the mat that I can present to the world. 

 I hardly ever blame my uke anymore when my technique doesn't feel right.  My job as nage is to blend with what I am offered. Aikido training provides wonderful challenges. I am learning to adapt and not force my will on situations. In life, I am staying and practicing the same ideas. I may not be as open as I am in class, yet I am awake and aware. I am committed to my training on and off the mat. The world provides with me many wonderful opportunities to choose love and compassion.

 If I don't feed the beast of negative thinking, it slinks off into the darkness of my brain to wait for another time I become too tired, too hungry, too lonely or too angry...today, I reside in the sunlight of the spirit. 

 This morning during an argument I noticed the futility of trying to be right. Why does it matter? Does it make the sun shine brighter or the rain come during drought? No. It just prolongs an frustrating moment.  Blending with life during trying times is the challenge. Can I pick up my figurative sword, cut through my own BS and stay the course? Yes, for today I can. I will come back to center and be a pleasant person. 

 Speaking my mind even though my voice shakes. After a sleep interrupted night and a terrible dream I feel shaky today.  I have trained for many years and done a lot of inner work. Last night, my dream was an accumulation of people who hurt me all rolled  together as one person. In my dream, I asked the person to leave. They wouldn't and I insisted. He/they left. I awoke filled with anxiety. I did my reset to get back into the zone of tolerance. Now, as I write this, I realize that I had something to say in my dream. I spoke up for myself. And now I am telling you about it. 

 What other people are doing is none of my business.  Hundreds of students have come and trained with us for a while and then leave for a myriad of reasons.  Recently I had a short bout of self doubt regarding the size of our dojo. Covid hit us hard. We closed for 16 months. We immediately started classes on Zoom. We have been training 3 times a week most weeks. We have regular group of students who show up when then can. We reopened the dojo. Attendance at in person classes at the dojo has been spotty. We offer each class on Zoom and at the dojo.  I can focus on what we don't have or more compassionately I can focus on the fact that after 35 years I still get to train. I choose to stay in the positive flow and focus on what I get to do.

 Keeping a positive mind requires a lot of discipline from me. I often feel victimized and have to remember that I get to choose how I look at circumstances.  Just because my first thought goes to poor me, doesn't mean I have to dwell there. I can pause, pray and then proceed. When I am in tune with the universe I am not a victim. My thoughts stay light. My body feel strong. 

 Water flows. Trees stand tall and bend with the wind. Uke follows. Nage leads. Aikido challenges us to relax and flow, to stand large and bend with the energy. Today I will go with flow and come from a strong centered stance. 

 Just getting on the mat or on zoom makes all the difference. When you bring the body, the mind will follow. And here is the best part, after class you feel much better. Happens every time. I was looking at picture from back in the 90s when we had 30 peoples training with us regularly. The dojo is much smaller now. We have people who train on zoom, too. Still, after all this time, after every class, I feel better. How do you get to be a 7th degree black belt? You keep training and you don't die. That's it.

 I have been training in Aikido for 35 years. I have had ups and downs. Sometimes going to class felt like the hardest thing to do in that moment. There have been tears and triumphs. People come and go. Some I am happy to see leave and others left me sad. Still, I put on my gi and hakama no matter what my head has to say. I warm up and I practice because I must. Aikido runs through my veins, sings in my spirit and colors my world. I have stayed the course all these years. I am grateful. 

 One of the tings I love most about Aikido the self acceptance I have earned in my training. I read once that Ueshiba said he wasn't good at keeping his center, he just was very good at getting it back. I cherish the idea of making a mistake and then moving on. There's no time for recrimination or regret. We accept what happens and move on. Hopefully, I learn and don't repeat unskilled behavior. Since I have habits of self abandonment and condemnation, this idea is wonderful to me, challenging me everyday to accept  myself and all my strengths and foibles. I just keep doing my life. Everyday I do my best. When I wander off the path, I wander back onto the path as soon as I can.

 The mama deer and her two mid sized fawns walked slowly through the back yard today before disappearing silently into the woods.  The fawns are still dappled but they are wandering off a little farther from their mother than in the spring. They were there and then, they were gone. Deer constantly pay attention. They eat. They meander.  But they never let their guard down. The bunnies are the same way. They munch on the clover in the back yarn ever wary of their surroundings. I watch the crows. They land and they eat. They fly off at the slightest provocation.  How animals are present in the now, helps me not second guess myself. If something feels weird, I can leave. It doesn't matter what people think. It matters that I stay safe.  Being present to what is happening is a basic self-defense skill that is overlooked. Aikido training reminds me at each moment to pay attention and blend with what is happening. Then, like the deer, the bunny and the crow I can make a choice to enhance

 Aikido is natural movement. We get to go back to what we knew before we learned the ways of sports.  We move with what is. We shine like the sun, and sway like the trees in the wind. We leap like frogs ( or Tohei, ;)  )  We rejoice in the the warmth and shiver in the cold. We are of the natural world and Aikido accentuates our natural movement. 

 I am learning to be with what ever is. Often I feel like I am missing out or am not in the flow of the universe. Then I remember that life is just the way it is supposed to be. I am granted the serenity to enjoy it. I am getting more comfortable being uncomfortable.  Uke always presents a gift to me. Their energy is just the way it is supposed to be on any given day. My job is to not judge what is offered to me. The challenge is to accept, blend and rejoice. 

 Sometimes I get discouraged at the happenings in the world. I feel like I can't do anything about anything. Then I remember that every time I train, meditate or pray, I add to the peace of the world. Our actions matter. I believe that one day the tide will turn. One more person will add their positive energy to the world. Peace will be attained.   So rather than get upset about what is happening I focus on my training and patiently wait.

 I will be sixty five in a month. I just did an aikido class and finished by doing big rolls. I am astounded that I can do big rolls, fall easily and move the way I do. Aikido training for the last 35 years has enhanced my life in many ways. Here are 10 examples of how my life is made better by my training. 1. The movement of uke and nage feels like heaven here on earth. 2. Each class clears negativity out of me. 3. Endorphins are awakened in me through the physicality of class. 4. I am reminded each class that I can't change others but I can change myself. Uke moves more easily with nage when they are not forced but encouraged. 5. The exchange of ki energy makes me alive and happy. 6. I feel joyful in class and after. 7. I am reminded not to take myself too seriously. 8. I am reminded that I am not a victim and I have choices. 9.  I share a language of movement with others. This make me feels special and included in the flow of things. 10. I learn something new every class. I coul

 We are surrounded by energy. The natural world can restore us to sanity. I walk though the forest at my house. The light dapples through the trees. The mist glistens on the emerald leaves. Life surrounds me.  The love dove coos. Another responds. Coo coo. The chickadee says hoo ha. The wood pecker beats the dead tree with his beak. rat a tat tat.  I see deer, rabbits, squirrels, chipmunks and occasionally the bear. The turkeys trot though the yard cautiously. Twice we have seen a bobcat and a few times a coyote. Mr. Fox scurries about in the night. The world here is alive and so am I. Last night we had all the windows and the big doors open in the dojo. There was a quick storm. The thunder rumbled and the lightning flashed. The rain poured down. The air was muggy and hot. I was sweating before we started moving. At the end of class, after the storm, we were hot and sticky but it was cooler. The air felt fresh. Again, Aikido had cleaned me up from the inside out just as the thunderstor

 Each uke, in each moment is unique. By staying open and accepting what is, I can blend with anything. The second I begin to try to change another person, resistance occurs. I will remain steadfast and flexible to move freely in any situation.

 When I take in a deep breath it connects me to all that is. I look out into my yard to see the deep green of mid summer. The shadows are long and splotches of yellow seem to reflect the sunshine.  The whole day is opening to me. So many possibilities to see love, peace and beauty. Thank you for my life.  Being able to take in a deep breath is a magnificent gift. It fills our bodies with life. I am reminded that I am part of the universe. The distractions of the day will come and go. My breath is an anchor to what is real. Here and now. 

 My mind can be a negative place. I am grateful I have tools to hop into the positive flow of life. Sometimes I imagine myself swimming upstream. Then I have an aha moment, I turn over and float with the flow in the other direction. If you put a hand under uke's arm near their wrist and a hand on their shoulder then walk forward slowly in centered way, you will notice that uke willingly walks with you. When we do this exercise in class with a new student they are always surprised at how it feels (which is lovely) and how well it works. No one likes to be told what to do but when asked politely and gently, most people will go with the flow. Insisting, knowing, forcing doesn't work for me. Letting, understanding and blending are better options. Today I choose to be in the flow. 

 My home is surrounded by trees and rocks on top of a small hill on a quiet road. I have a view, a lovely yard, woods, wild animals and a place to park. I have clean water, heat, a washer and a dryer and AC. There is a dojo attached to my house.  Sometimes I forget that I am living in such a beautiful spot with all the amenities I need. This moment I am filled with peace, gratitude and awe at the gifts that are available for me. I am choosing to stay in the flow of the universe, accepting what is and being of service to those I may help. 

 How do I tap into the life force? I pray. I listen. I ready. I spend time in nature. I have good conversations.  And I practice aikido. Being here, now is so important. Every thing else, every time else is a missed opportunity. I have thoughts like: "why bother writing a blog that no one reads? Who cares about your thoughts?" I write my thoughts anyway. I care about my thoughts. Writing about my training helps me to clarify my thoughts and to believe in myself. If no one reads or cares, I have to just let it be.  Recently I asked some family members to read a book I am writing. Only one person responded. I have to write anyway. Maybe I'm just spitting into the wind and maybe some one will read and I will touch their soul in some way. I hope so. In the mean time, I will just write and leave the results up to the universe. I am in the flow. 

 I may never understand Aikido but I keep training. Each day I step onto the mat and see what happens. Keeping my mind open and my body fit is important to my training. I still can roll and fall at 65. Aikido is a life long practice for me. I hope to continue as long as I live. What I do know is that Aikido training has changed me. I have become more courageous and less foolhardy. I understand that people experience the world in  different ways. I love to learn and to teach. Aikido flows though me and fills me with peace. 

 Yesterday I felt a bit off all day. It was  hot and muggy. I haven't been sleeping great.  I took it easy at work. I kept my thoughts and feelings to myself except to tell Ron I was feeling off. We decided to have class upstairs. There's no mat but there is air-conditioning. We had an informal "no gi" class with 3 people on zoom. Right at the beginning of class while we were do ki exercises I felt the shift back to equilibrium. Even though I still felt hot and sweaty, my body relaxed and my breathing become normal. My spirit re-entered my body.  Aikido training restores me to sanity every time. When I do weapons, rolls or ki exercises by myself, I feel better.  After a class, where there is an exchange of energy and camaraderie, my mind, body and spirit are renewed. O' Sensei said "Aikido is medicine for a sick world." Yes! For me this is true. Every class renders me alive and free.

 Ki seems to be an un talked about concept or a magical power. For me, it is simply mind and body coordination. I am here, now. That is the simple idea and the mystical practice. There are so many distractions from here and now. When I realize that I am distracted by my own thoughts or by the world, my practice is to go back to my center and to check to see where my feet are. They are always right where they are supposed to be. I bring my mind back to the moment and I reflect all that is .

 When I first started training I didn't have much money. I paid dues when I could. When I couldn't, Ron let me train anyway.  At our dojo we charge dues. If someone can't pay, they can still train. We believe Aikido is for anyone that wants it. People contribute to the dojo by showing up  and participating.  When I think back over the years about all the students who have come and gone and a few who have come and stayed, it humbles me. There is a bigger picture. I don't understand why I have stayed with Aikido for so long and still love every class. I don't understand how I have watched so many situations unfold and learned not to take any of them personally. I put on my gi, my belt and my hakama, then I  walk into the dojo for another class.  I do understand that this is my path. Today I will continue to walk it. 

 To keep the focus on myself. Now there is a challenge. I like the metaphor of staying inside my own hula hoop. There are many temptations to drop the hoop and march right into someone else's stuff: mostly uninvited.  It happens more in my thinking than in my actions. The wandering of my mind into situations that I have no control over hurts me. I almost never do it in a positive way. My aikido practice reminds me if I move what I can, which is me, all will be well. I don't have to power over anyone or try to control the situation.  When I feel resistance, it's because I am trying to move uke. When I move myself, uke follows me naturally. It may look the same but it feels very different.  Forcing solutions has never worked for me. It may work for others but it has always gotten negative results for me. Now I let life happen to the best of my ability. I practice gratitude for what I have. I am hopping back into my hula hoop and enjoying the twirl of my own life. 

 We may never be a huge dojo. We get to practice consistently 3 times a week with our students. I am so grateful that people come so Ron and I get to practice.  We used to have many students and a few dojos. We taught and trained several times a week. Everything is different now and yet it remains the same. We put on our gis and our hakamas, We bow in. We practice together. We bow out. We feel better after class. 

 I just read an article about breadcrumbing. I realized that is what is happening with one of my loved ones. I identified with the ideas of someone being in relationship with me and only giving a little, being mad at me for something that I don't understand and hanging up the phone saying they just can't talk now and not calling back or answering texts. It feels like when uke attacks with no energy. When I receive an honest, heartfelt attack I know how to deal with it. I can connect with the energy and turn or enter. I can resolve the situation for myself by changing what I can, which is me.   Now I am challenged off the mat to deal with a less than honest attack. First, I must acknowledge to myself that I am not crazy, bad or wrong. People do what they do because of them not because I caused it. It's okay for me to be how I am. I am not hurtful to others. I am learning to define myself and not let others define me. I will step past this as I do a shomen attack that I am no

 Yesterday Ron started class with ki exercise as warm ups as usual. Then he did several ryo katetori techniques focusing on extension. When it was my turn to teach I did the same movements with the short sword with the same focus. We are training upstairs in our house right now on Zoom so we don't have to heat the dojo for just the two of us. It is challenging and rewarding. I noticed at a class a few weeks ago that the new normal is feeling more comfortable. My  nervousness about people understanding what we are doing and getting value from our classes has lessened. It has been a powerful experience of adapting to what is and enjoying what we can do. Our classes are well attended with 6 to eight people joining us 3 times a week. Ron and I are grateful to be able to practice. 

Last class we practiced kata tori ikkyo, kata tori kote geishe, kata tori irimi nage and kata tori kokyu nage the traditional way first. Then we envisioned holding a large ball in our arms and practiced those techniques again, concentrating on extending energy and weight under side. Training with an invisible uke has made us dig deep to find ways to strengthen our aikido principles. Ron and I are blessed that we can train together but some of our students are practicing with their own invisible uke.  Some techniques like ushiro tekubitori kokyu nage are harder to visualize and feel than others, like, tsuki kote giesha. Most of the folks that train with us are very experienced and rise to the challenge. We have one student who is an orange belt and  is just thriving in this practice. I am grateful we still are gathering and training with the circumstances that are presented to us in this now.