Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Am I enough

even if I am broken or bent? "Of course!" I say to others.
Inside me there is a tiny voice that says "NO, go hide until you are better. Don't drag your chair out on the mat and throw. How embarrassing! What will people think?"
The little voice...(I have named her Mildred), is a negative part of my brain that would like me isolated, alone, drinking myself to death.
As I sat in my chair in class yesterday I noticed she had really quieted down, especially after I led warm ups. After I got to throw shomen uchi sankyo from my chair she completely disappeared. Have you ever noticed that when you shine the flashlight of your heart on the demons in your mind the demons melt away into the nothingness.
See ya on the mat. I will be the one in the chair for a little while longer until my knee really heals.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


I hold hope in my hand
It is tiny and fragile
Like a small bird newly born
So when fear steps in
I must resist the urge
To clench too tightly
To crush the hope
I need most then
Instead let my hands
My heart
My being
Be open
Hope to be realized
Must leave me
And enter the world
To grow its wings
Fly to the hand
The heart
The being
Of all

Last night I really

felt what not being on the mat four times a week does for me. I felt lost, alone and that it was always going to feel this way. Dark thoughts seem like reality in the middle of the night. Hearing Dora’s voice in my head reminded me that when it seems the darkest is when it seems like it will last forever. It really is neither dark nor forever.

Training for me is everywhere. Last night in my bed…I trained. I prayed…I remembered what was real. I can’t ever blame uke. What is going on inside of me is my reaction to the circumstances at hand. Breathing deeply I looked at myself and my choices. The thoughts I was entertaining were hurting me. I looked for other possibilities. I changed what I could. I could breathe more. I could focus on my breath. The anxiety lifted slowly. I woke up later not refreshed but not crazy with anxiety. I slept again…grateful for my training that I can do anywhere.

Monday, October 4, 2010

sore toe,

sore knee...good attitude...all is well...healing thoughts appreciated.