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Showing posts from October, 2010

Am I enough

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even if I am broken or bent? "Of course!" I say to others. Inside me there is a tiny voice that says "NO, go hide until you are better. Don't drag your chair out on the mat and throw. How embarrassing! What will people think?" The little voice...(I have named her Mildred), is a negative part of my brain that would like me isolated, alone, drinking myself to death. As I sat in my chair in class yesterday I noticed she had really quieted down, especially after I led warm ups. After I got to throw shomen uchi sankyo from my chair she completely disappeared. Have you ever noticed that when you shine the flashlight of your heart on the demons in your mind the demons melt away into the nothingness. See ya on the mat. I will be the one in the chair for a little while longer until my knee really heals.

Hope

I hold hope in my hand It is tiny and fragile Like a small bird newly born So when fear steps in I must resist the urge To clench too tightly To crush the hope I need most then Instead let my hands My heart My being Be open Hope to be realized Must leave me And enter the world To grow its wings Fly to the hand The heart The being Of all

Last night I really

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felt what not being on the mat four times a week does for me. I felt lost, alone and that it was always going to feel this way. Dark thoughts seem like reality in the middle of the night. Hearing Dora’s voice in my head reminded me that when it seems the darkest is when it seems like it will last forever. It really is neither dark nor forever. Training for me is everywhere. Last night in my bed…I trained. I prayed…I remembered what was real. I can’t ever blame uke. What is going on inside of me is my reaction to the circumstances at hand. Breathing deeply I looked at myself and my choices. The thoughts I was entertaining were hurting me. I looked for other possibilities. I changed what I could. I could breathe more. I could focus on my breath. The anxiety lifted slowly. I woke up later not refreshed but not crazy with anxiety. I slept again…grateful for my training that I can do anywhere.

sore toe,

sore knee...good attitude...all is well...healing thoughts appreciated.