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What I learned on the mat Sunday

"ENTER FROM YOUR CENTER" ...Mary Eastland 11/14/2010

Am I enough

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even if I am broken or bent? "Of course!" I say to others. Inside me there is a tiny voice that says "NO, go hide until you are better. Don't drag your chair out on the mat and throw. How embarrassing! What will people think?" The little voice...(I have named her Mildred), is a negative part of my brain that would like me isolated, alone, drinking myself to death. As I sat in my chair in class yesterday I noticed she had really quieted down, especially after I led warm ups. After I got to throw shomen uchi sankyo from my chair she completely disappeared. Have you ever noticed that when you shine the flashlight of your heart on the demons in your mind the demons melt away into the nothingness. See ya on the mat. I will be the one in the chair for a little while longer until my knee really heals.

Hope

I hold hope in my hand It is tiny and fragile Like a small bird newly born So when fear steps in I must resist the urge To clench too tightly To crush the hope I need most then Instead let my hands My heart My being Be open Hope to be realized Must leave me And enter the world To grow its wings Fly to the hand The heart The being Of all

Last night I really

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felt what not being on the mat four times a week does for me. I felt lost, alone and that it was always going to feel this way. Dark thoughts seem like reality in the middle of the night. Hearing Dora’s voice in my head reminded me that when it seems the darkest is when it seems like it will last forever. It really is neither dark nor forever. Training for me is everywhere. Last night in my bed…I trained. I prayed…I remembered what was real. I can’t ever blame uke. What is going on inside of me is my reaction to the circumstances at hand. Breathing deeply I looked at myself and my choices. The thoughts I was entertaining were hurting me. I looked for other possibilities. I changed what I could. I could breathe more. I could focus on my breath. The anxiety lifted slowly. I woke up later not refreshed but not crazy with anxiety. I slept again…grateful for my training that I can do anywhere.

sore toe,

sore knee...good attitude...all is well...healing thoughts appreciated.

i am grateful

i practice this art of peace. i can take my judgement and need for revenge to class. peace will be restored in me and my universe.

Restrict Without Restricting

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Sometimes the body needs to have its way. An injury needs time to heal But the ego-mind do not always get it Not wishing to relent to that greater will So the body has to make itself more clear More pain is clear How to restrict movement Without restricting the entire body Without restricting the heart-mind Ki does not seem to flow and I am impatient Slowly the body and mind begin to loosen Restriction uncoiling brings new clarity Less can be more for now It will not be forever I love this body for what it can do And the wisdom it has to teach me Who better to be the most loving with me than me It is all so clear

i had a

body memory yesterday that caused me to be really confused in class. Ron demonstrated at kata kosa tori where uke goes behind the back of nage (sort of)...i love this throw. I got so lost every time i got to do it...then we got to do it Again with no hands...lost in the weeds was I! I hope today feels different. ;o)

bite, bark, bark, bite?

My mother used to say “his bark is worse than his bite” I never got that. So was he not responsible for his bark? Anger dealt at others can be hurtful. I am responsible for the energy I put out into the world. My bark, as well as my bite.

It is summer still.

Classes, hot and sweaty, Gis stick, Hakamas clench at ankles, Ukemi feels relaxed, Joints are lubricated, After 22 years at 52… it’s summer still. Aikido takes life and makes it livable. It’s summer still.

to be a beginner every day

is my goal. My mind, when fresh and open, learns. Kai learning how to do back falls yesterday was a wonderful example of taking encouragement and practicing a skill again and again.

connection past my ego

Me: How can I make my experience with nage different? Ron Sensei : Connect more, follow more. Me : But, but, but…aren’t I responsible only for myself? For following where nage leads? Ron Sensei: Yes. Me : Then how come I have to do more? Ron Sensei: Do you want to connect more or be right? Me : Both, to be truthful…and by taking your suggestion have changed the experience. Thank you.

My bokken floats

through my finger tips, Stopping only when the turns stops, Directed lightly by my hips and hands and energy. What happens to my uke when handled the same way?

Two hot days in July

…two very fun, sweaty classes. Small classes but lots of Aikido experience on the mat …the same 5 people both days. Mary, Ron, Charlie, Dora and Ann…we saw from behind our eyes, with our eyes closed, we stayed on the mat and then stepped off and gave up our turn…then we attacked and defended with tanto’s…it got really unorthodox and we forgot we were hot. Such fun, on the mat, during the hottest days of the year.

Back on the mat

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This is my 13 year practising Aikido. Long enough that I cannot imagine my life w/o it. As many of you will likely affirm in yourselves, I start to get cranky when I can't go to class. My body begins to ache in ways it does not normally. Not just for the fun physical activity, but the closeness and touch that comes along with it. We practise a very intimate art, yet it feels so safe and pure in our dojo spaces that I miss it deeply when I have lengths of time off the mat.  I also see a great importance in having time off the mat, that I did not understand much until this year. It is the moment I return. that my be-ing knows I have come home. I am about to take one of my wonderful yearly excursions to the desert to play with stone and mud. The starkness and harshness and colours of the land speak to me. It is a well isolated and fairly free of human impact and noise. A true quiet space where I feel the smallness and greatness of my being and the grandness of earth. Friends and m

Are 5 classes a week enough?

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How come I still want more? I considered driving up to Pittsfield tonight to train with Kim. The brush pile called me instead and then the lawn mower. Maybe next week.

no classes this weekend

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feels good and like something is missing. I like a couple of days off so I miss it and I hate a couple of days off cause I miss it.

Kai coming to class

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opened my heart in a new way. I loved seeing him feel the joy of Aikido for the first time. He had a great time. Thanks everyone, for sharing your experience with Kai.

Talking

Today I had an opportunity to say a few words at the end of the seminar and now I can't remember what I said. :-) I do know that I found myself feeling frustrated with my inability to communicate clearly. I often have the experience of speaking to a group about something and afterward knowing that what I managed to say was not nearly adequate enough to express what I wanted to say. It's interesting to me that verbal communication seems so clumsy sometimes in terms of making the connection with people in the same way that I experience on the mat nonverbally. I do experience connection in conversation, one to one. Speaking to a group however, is not easy. I use that occasion to practice keeping one point. That includes letting go of self judgement. Finding the appropriate ideas and words to express myself clearly, is challenging. Self consciousness, nerves, whatever, pop up. And that just freezes me up and makes access to thoughts difficult. It's definitely a good practice

acceptance

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of how I feel or how others feel is my practice. After awareness comes acceptance...then I can decide if I want to do anything about the situation. When uke attacks I can step in, I can step aside or I can turn. Each response is in the moment. When I really pay attention I can see the details. I have the wherewithal to do what needs to be done in the now. Freedom is here. Freedom is now. (Did you see the hawk in the picture?)

as i walked by the river today

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i was present. i felt sun on my face, teased away by a tiny breeze. i smelled mud. i threw dry, craggy branches into the current to watch them float or get tangled up with other branches. i love running water. rivers are my mother's veins. i feel the earth's life force. i appreciate her strength and beauty by the river. my ki is restored.

Perspective-winning and losing

This morning I was playing a simple card game with my 7 year old. We call the game high low, or more commonly called war (for adults). The only rule is that upon the toss, the person who throws the highest card "wins" both cards, and subsequently adds an additional card to their own stockpile for future throws. The game ends when one person is out of cards to throw. But who "wins"? Along the way, my creative child decided to change the rule from whoever ends up with the most cards wins, to whoever loses his cards first wins. This child just wants to win! It's o.k. with me, because, as you may or may not know, this simple game can seemingly last forever! Ah, but the tides turned once more and wouldn't you know, the rule happened to change once more back to the original. Once again, fine with me. The emotional tie to winning, however, showed itself prior to the final rule change. Sadness appeared when the game was nearing it's finale. One may think that I

The Weather

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The other day I went for a walk in the park near my home. It was quite sunny while I was at my desk and as I dressed for the cold outside air. As I stepped out the sun slipped behind some clouds. I stared at the sky and grumbled a little, but began my walk down the street towards the park. All along the way I kept my eye on the sky. I could see that dark cloud obscuring my sun. All the while I walked though the woods, across the field, up the hill, and down to the river. I kept wishing for the cloud to move on its way. The wind was blowing steady on the ground, but that cloud hardly seemed to move. I was halfway on my usual walk, feeling agitated and annoyed. The weather and that darn cloud were just not cooperating and it was ruining my walk! And then I had an aikido moment. Somewhere in all that annoyance and mild agitation I had the a-ha. I had before me an opportunity. That cloud could be an annoyance or it could be an uke. Ukes on the mat give me many opportunities to face and let

guess what?

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i get to pay attention again . be in the moment again . that is the secret. a gain and again .

ron made a suggestion

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last night... he is my teacher after all my ego rose up to protest we talked a bit more by bedtime i thought it was a good idea....

river of ki,

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sea of ki, in the flow, turn you boat around and go with the current, keep moving, relax against the rocks, brick hits velvet curtan and is enveloped, extension of feeling to greet and welcome, river of ki, sea of ki.

learning frustration

Changing in time and allowing your self to over come frustration on the mat with techniques that you have done in the past and now they are some what strange and foreign to you , It is all in part of ones self development or refinement . It is like polishing a piece of metal it will eventually yield a very bright and shine product.

All That is Required

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Enter and turn is all that is required Even if I don't know what comes next. The result will be whatever it is It is that moment of blending The fit of uke and nage that matters Sometimes in aikido (and in life) I think I have to know the outcome. I try to impose my will and make uke do what I think they are supposed to. When that has happened to me as uke it feels uncomfortable, forced. The moment of "aikido" is lost and it becomes more martial than art, even if it is both. When those moments arise I know I am being offered a gift. A chance to experience freedom from preconceived notions of endings. The end result of the throw or pin is just the last part of something greater and bigger than my or uke's actions. It is the fit, the coming together of our energies that matters . I only need to show up, to have and open mind, to let go of my agenda. Enter and turn. the end result will be aikido.

my intention for the new year is

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to continue my journey as a "getting better uke"! i used to hate to be uke....i was always waiting to be nage. now i love to uke and enjoy Aikido so much more.