What a difference a day makes. Tuesday night I was a half a bubble off all night. I hurt one of my ukes. Hurt not injured. I felt bad. That stayed in my head for a few minutes. I went to “I suck”. The good thing is that Aikido is so interesting to me I could not stay there for long because Ron was teaching something cool. I had to pay attention despite my venture into self loathing. Then I had a nage that wasn’t taking my balance. It seemed to me that nage was getting impatient with me. Their heaven hand kept landing on my clavicle and pushing. It is not very effective but it does cause pain. I got to watch a thought of “why don’t you just quit Aikido?” march by in my mind. That is a drastic thought for me. I have a dojo right at my house, for Christ’s sake. I had a little chuckle at my negative thoughts and attacked my nage again. This time I just fell down because my clavicle was getting sore.
Last night I showed up again. I started class after doing my warm ups and a whole different perspective was available. We had 7 people on the mat and then Robin showed up a little late. We were all so happy to see her. Class was lively and interesting. Nobody got hurt. Class is always more fun when I am not taking myself too seriously. I can be committed to my training without being self abusive. I would never talk to someone else the way my mind talks to me sometimes.