Tuesday, May 10, 2011

it hurts sometimes

Giving birth to one’s self is painful. How much easier it is to watch others and comment or criticize their development. The real pain in aikido is not nikkyo. The real pain is seeing me as I really am at 53 after 23 years of training. The real joy of aikido is not a nikkyo done crisply and correctly. The real joy of aikido is seeing who I am at 53 after 23 years of training.  
Yes, I know that nikkyo hurts and nikkyo feels good. Sunday standing on the mat with my open heart exposed for the world to see was really hard, I wanted to run or deny or accuse…anything to make that moment feel different. Yet I stayed…I listened and I committed to change. Training in Aikido has helped me to stay and feel and change. I think I understand better some of O’Sensei’s message about self being the real enemy. Not all of it...there still is some rationalization in me, some ego screaming silently…yet I know when I show for class tonight…the mat will be there and the other students and Ron. We will bow in and train and another change will begin.