Aikido as a way of life.

 So long ago and still I remember every detail of the day.

 At our dojo we believe that Aikido should be for anyone who wants it. We do charges dues but if someone wants to train and is having financial difficulty, they are welcomed. We ask that everyone be vaccinated if they are going to train at the dojo. 

We have class tonight at 6:30. We are on Zoom and in the dojo. I hope someone comes to class so I can train. I need a spirit cleansing.  I could train even if no one comes but the exchange of energy is really good for me and for them. Last Tuesday we had 9 people - so fingers crossed. See ya on the mat.  

 I got my shingles shot yesterday. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I didn't feel sick just uncomfortable. When I got up, I felt better because I could distract myself first by walking, and then by reading.  I took 2 Tylenol at 4 AM and went to sleep. This morning I feel as if my brain is trailing my head by about 6 inches.  So I get to practice this day, in this way. I will stay as centered as I can, take it in baby steps, one at a time and enjoy the pure joy of being alive. 

 Sometimes the best practice is just to keep quiet and hang on. Sometimes it is to speak up. Sometimes to walk away. Aikido training helps us to tune into our centers and respond naturally.  My best decisions come from my center not my brain. While I am centered, I feel in the flow of things. Life happens in a easy sequence. It's when I leave the now to romance self-centered fears or unlikely fantasies that I get a little wack-a-doodle.  My practice is inspired by O'Sensei, who taught about returning to center immediately when we became aware that we are not centered. No judgment needed. No harsh words of recrimination required. Just return to center and proceed with the day. How I love this practice. 

 Last night we had nine people at class. Ron couldn't train because he has as a bad case of shingles. His suffering from the shingles has been terrible.  Our training helps us maintain decorum when all could go to hell. We treat each other with respect and acknowledge that we experience the world in different ways.  I was grateful to be able to get on the mat and train. It clears me out of tiredness and negativity. I feel wrung free and ready to start over.  Today is a new day. I am grateful for what I learn on the mat that I can present to the world. 

 I hardly ever blame my uke anymore when my technique doesn't feel right.  My job as nage is to blend with what I am offered. Aikido training provides wonderful challenges. I am learning to adapt and not force my will on situations. In life, I am staying and practicing the same ideas. I may not be as open as I am in class, yet I am awake and aware. I am committed to my training on and off the mat. The world provides with me many wonderful opportunities to choose love and compassion.

 If I don't feed the beast of negative thinking, it slinks off into the darkness of my brain to wait for another time I become too tired, too hungry, too lonely or too angry...today, I reside in the sunlight of the spirit. 

 This morning during an argument I noticed the futility of trying to be right. Why does it matter? Does it make the sun shine brighter or the rain come during drought? No. It just prolongs an frustrating moment.  Blending with life during trying times is the challenge. Can I pick up my figurative sword, cut through my own BS and stay the course? Yes, for today I can. I will come back to center and be a pleasant person. 

 Speaking my mind even though my voice shakes. After a sleep interrupted night and a terrible dream I feel shaky today.  I have trained for many years and done a lot of inner work. Last night, my dream was an accumulation of people who hurt me all rolled  together as one person. In my dream, I asked the person to leave. They wouldn't and I insisted. He/they left. I awoke filled with anxiety. I did my reset to get back into the zone of tolerance. Now, as I write this, I realize that I had something to say in my dream. I spoke up for myself. And now I am telling you about it. 

 What other people are doing is none of my business.  Hundreds of students have come and trained with us for a while and then leave for a myriad of reasons.  Recently I had a short bout of self doubt regarding the size of our dojo. Covid hit us hard. We closed for 16 months. We immediately started classes on Zoom. We have been training 3 times a week most weeks. We have regular group of students who show up when then can. We reopened the dojo. Attendance at in person classes at the dojo has been spotty. We offer each class on Zoom and at the dojo.  I can focus on what we don't have or more compassionately I can focus on the fact that after 35 years I still get to train. I choose to stay in the positive flow and focus on what I get to do.

 Keeping a positive mind requires a lot of discipline from me. I often feel victimized and have to remember that I get to choose how I look at circumstances.  Just because my first thought goes to poor me, doesn't mean I have to dwell there. I can pause, pray and then proceed. When I am in tune with the universe I am not a victim. My thoughts stay light. My body feel strong. 

 Water flows. Trees stand tall and bend with the wind. Uke follows. Nage leads. Aikido challenges us to relax and flow, to stand large and bend with the energy. Today I will go with flow and come from a strong centered stance. 

 Just getting on the mat or on zoom makes all the difference. When you bring the body, the mind will follow. And here is the best part, after class you feel much better. Happens every time. I was looking at picture from back in the 90s when we had 30 peoples training with us regularly. The dojo is much smaller now. We have people who train on zoom, too. Still, after all this time, after every class, I feel better. How do you get to be a 7th degree black belt? You keep training and you don't die. That's it.

 I have been training in Aikido for 35 years. I have had ups and downs. Sometimes going to class felt like the hardest thing to do in that moment. There have been tears and triumphs. People come and go. Some I am happy to see leave and others left me sad. Still, I put on my gi and hakama no matter what my head has to say. I warm up and I practice because I must. Aikido runs through my veins, sings in my spirit and colors my world. I have stayed the course all these years. I am grateful. 

 One of the tings I love most about Aikido the self acceptance I have earned in my training. I read once that Ueshiba said he wasn't good at keeping his center, he just was very good at getting it back. I cherish the idea of making a mistake and then moving on. There's no time for recrimination or regret. We accept what happens and move on. Hopefully, I learn and don't repeat unskilled behavior. Since I have habits of self abandonment and condemnation, this idea is wonderful to me, challenging me everyday to accept  myself and all my strengths and foibles. I just keep doing my life. Everyday I do my best. When I wander off the path, I wander back onto the path as soon as I can.

 The mama deer and her two mid sized fawns walked slowly through the back yard today before disappearing silently into the woods.  The fawns are still dappled but they are wandering off a little farther from their mother than in the spring. They were there and then, they were gone. Deer constantly pay attention. They eat. They meander.  But they never let their guard down. The bunnies are the same way. They munch on the clover in the back yarn ever wary of their surroundings. I watch the crows. They land and they eat. They fly off at the slightest provocation.  How animals are present in the now, helps me not second guess myself. If something feels weird, I can leave. It doesn't matter what people think. It matters that I stay safe.  Being present to what is happening is a basic self-defense skill that is overlooked. Aikido training reminds me at each moment to pay attention and blend with what is happening. Then, like the deer, the bunny and the crow I can make a choice to enhance

 Aikido is natural movement. We get to go back to what we knew before we learned the ways of sports.  We move with what is. We shine like the sun, and sway like the trees in the wind. We leap like frogs ( or Tohei, ;)  )  We rejoice in the the warmth and shiver in the cold. We are of the natural world and Aikido accentuates our natural movement. 

 I am learning to be with what ever is. Often I feel like I am missing out or am not in the flow of the universe. Then I remember that life is just the way it is supposed to be. I am granted the serenity to enjoy it. I am getting more comfortable being uncomfortable.  Uke always presents a gift to me. Their energy is just the way it is supposed to be on any given day. My job is to not judge what is offered to me. The challenge is to accept, blend and rejoice.