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Showing posts from 2011

Silver bells

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What a difference a day makes. Tuesday night I was a half a bubble off all night. I hurt one of my ukes. Hurt not injured. I felt bad. That stayed in my head for a few minutes. I went to “I suck”. The good thing is that Aikido is so interesting to me I could not stay there for long because Ron was teaching something cool. I had to pay attention despite my venture into self loathing. Then I had a nage that wasn’t taking my balance. It seemed to me that nage was getting impatient with me. Their heaven hand kept landing on my clavicle and pushing. It is not very effective but it does cause pain. I got to watch a thought of “why don’t you just quit Aikido?” march by in my mind.  That is a drastic thought for me. I have a dojo right at my house, for Christ’s sake. I had a little chuckle at my negative thoughts and attacked my nage again. This time I just fell down because my clavicle was getting sore. Last night I showed up again. I started class after doing my warm ups and a whole diff

Shiho nage

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Shiho nage was a difficult technique for me. Ron always did it a little different from Maruyama, Sensei. I would be almost getting it then we would go to summer or winter camp and I would get confused again. I could do the motions of it and it probably didn't look to bad yet it didn't feel strong. My hands always felt so weak. I remember complaining about my wrists. men's wrists were so much bigger and stronger. I used to say I hate shiho nage or I can't do it. Of course that became self fulfilling. I decided to change my mind about it. I couldn't say I loved shihonage yet but I said that "I am embracing shiho nage". "I am exploring shiho nage." Sure enough, it got better. Especially after we stopped going to camps because now I was doing one way with minor changes instead of a whole change of technique. The "Summer of Shiho nage" changed everything. Stepping into my fears and frustrations was the key. I broke it down to three
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The oak leaf has fallen. The wind is very cool,with a promise winter. My back is warmed by the still balmy afternoon Autumn sun.                                                                                     A connection,  a blending, a movement,  power together, connection made deeper by attention to detail, tenkan,  irimi, soft swooping arms, curled wrist,  open posture, dramatic movement or not,  there again and again,  ego subjugated by the desire to connect and learn.

circular path

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My path through my yard and woods is circular. I walk it every day. Every day, nature looks different even though it is the same path. Today the path is covered with large brown oak leaves. The poison ivy is mostly gone or turned to red. There is much more brown and gray than this summer when many shades of green were the dominant colors. Soon the path will be covered in white. Yet it is the same path through the same woods and yard during all these changes and cycles. Each day a new me walks on a new path even though it is the same me and the same path. Testing for one point is an important part of ki development for both tester and the person being tested. By pushing with an appropriate amount of pressure the tester provides the person being tested with the opportunity to find their center and then, to learn to trust their center. As a beginning reference we teach the center is 2 inches below the belly button. I could not feel my inner center at first so I had to practice feeling m

Big oak leaf

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On my walk today I came across a huge oak leaf…it was mostly green with red edges. This leaf would have been huge on a big tree. However, this really big oak leaf was clinging to a single twig that was growing from a dead wood pile. The twig is about a foot and a half high and literally a twig. I can’t give you a dimension because I can’t talk that small. So the huge leaf is hanging there and I started thinking about what would happen to this leaf when it let go. It probably would fall directly under where it hung and eventually turn into soil. I went out this afternoon to take some pictures of the leaf for my blog and it was still hanging there. I wonder if leaves let go easily or do they have to have their grips pried off like I do sometimes. I notice when I let go of things and don’t try to fix me or others, my life is just fine. When I get into fix mode is when I get into problems. I neglect my own work, play and study and get busy with others. I notice that others don’t love to

Falter, thanks Alexis.

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It really is still fall, or Autumn. We have 17 inches of snow that is a beautiful contrast to the red yellow, green and brown leaves that still cling to the deciduous trees. I can almost hear the trees whining " Alright already, Mr. Sun, shine on me and melt this frigging snow so I can stand up straight again!" Some of the trees have just laid their branches down, too weary to hold them all up with weight of snow on the leaves. Main St., Great Barrington has shattered pear trees all over the sidewalks. I accept what is. Snow in October is one of the blessings of living in New England. It is not an ordinary occurrence but it happens. It creates mystery and beauty. The sky this morning was October blue with bruised storm clouds, a little late in leaving. The sun shines on little snow showers as the branches shake and return to straightness. The mountains are dark green and yellow and white all accentuated by brilliant sun light. Not a sight I am used to but lovely just the sam

conflict and me

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It's raining this morning. The leaves are colorful and muted. My morning walk was only partly accompanied by others in my head. Prayer and quiet time left me alone with god and nature on my path that wind through my yard, then in and out of the woods. Yesterday was one of those days that rise up and the winds blow in circles and months of something gets said. Speaking up is uncomfortable for me. I do it anyway. Aikido training teaches me that it is just that; training. My actions are not reprehensible nor should I be ashamed of myself as one gentleman told me I should be. I can just do my best. I have noticed that the discussions on Aikiweb are constantly being derailed. Hardly anyone talks about Aikido anymore. Anyone that tries to gets called politically correct or too sensitive. I think about leaving and have taken a couple of breaks, yet, I want community. I like John Stevens’ translations; I like Aikido and the Dynamic Sphere. I know people can develop inner strength without

second base?

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We used to have a gentleman that trained with us that was so much fun to train with. He had a self deprecating air. He could see himself and chuckle. I miss him. I see he is still training at another dojo in another state. We have exchanged pleasantries on the internet but that was it. I notice myself feeling sad about that sometimes. We have had a dojo for a long time; Ron for 30 years and me for 19. We have seen a lot of students come and go. Some I am glad to see go and others stay with me after they leave. This gentleman sometimes slipped into baseball mode. He would act like he was playing second base and start hopping around and getting syked. After being gently reminded that this was another way to be he would notice himself and change. Ah, nostalgia… back to the present. The seasons are changing…the leaves are in full color. The light is slanting and magnificent. We have class tonight. Classes have been small and really fun. Technique is changing and expanding in and out of sel

Fall into

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Fall comes early in the Berkshires. “Summer of shiho nage” is coming to a close. The rains of Tropical Depression Lee have subsided for the moment leaving the woods washed and shiny. Poison ivy and red berries are contrasting green and red, foreshadowing holidays to come. The end of summer light is slanted and forgiving. Mushrooms parade on rotten logs, their subtle tans and browns muted by the green of again, poison ivy. The “summer of shiho nage” has really deepened my understanding of the technique as uke and nage. I am relaxing more as uke and extending ki with my whole self not just my hands as I enter as nage. As the “fall of the earnest uke” begins I will again commit to an idea and train through that idea. I noticed this summer when students were reminded to attack in a more committed way, they did so. So my idea “fall of the earnest uke" was born. Some people are naturally good ukes. They understand the give and take nature of aikido training. Others are good nages and ne

summer of shiho nage

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It's still the summer of shiho nage. The day has dawned cool, with no humidity...the greens are emerald and yellowish...birdsong and squirrel chatter fills the air. Summer is still here in the Berkshires yet I can feel autumn sliding in with a bit of color here and a cool breeze there. All the seasons are welcome to me..and summer is now and precious because it is now. I felt sloppy in my shiho nage practice last night...it could be because I was sleepy but I think it was because I was not neat. I hurried...my shower and comfy bed were calling. Distracted from the now I missed the wonder of blended movement. I will be mindful on my morning practice so as not miss a moment of shigo nage in this short summer of my life.

August blues!/!

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Dora came to class tonight…we decided to practice tomorrow even if just the three of us showed up but for tonight we would rest. Ron always feels a little sad when we don’t have class…he thinks students are all going away. I look at it like the universe gives us space to rest sometimes because we need it. He and I did a little stick work and we will do our ki exercises again before bed. August is always a quiet month because so many people go on vacation. When I first started training Ron used to close the dojo in August…he forgets that now but I remember straining at the bit for the whole month just waiting for the next class. Now we stay open and have really small classes or none at all. People will be back in September…I open my arms and my heart to embrace a plethora of old and new students.

being centered no matter what

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Tonight at the end of class we did an interesting ki exercise. All nage was to do was to focus on their center no matter what way uke moved them. Uke moved nage in any direction in a manner not to overpower nage but to challenge nage in keeping their center. I noticed such a peaceful feeling as uke moved my shoulders and my hips in many directions. Uke could only move me so far until the energy ran down into the ground and just went away. My shoulders and arms got more relaxed. My posture adjusted naturally and calmness surrounded me.

drifting

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Drifting? What the heck is that? It’s sort of like taking up slack…but it is really paying more attention to which way uke wants to go and letting them go that way. Every time I am grabbed I notice where uke is heading. By letting uke go in the direction they want to… all resistance disappears. By paying attention from my center I am able to let my uke lead and follow simultaneously as I start the technique that will happen between us. The world gets quiet and still as uke grabs and follows as I lead the drift and connection that creates the feeling that is Aikido. The peace and relaxation that follows calms my spirit and restores harmony in me and hopefully my uke.

Thank You!

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This can be a long, lonely journey or one that is a complete adventure. Each class provides yet another opportunity to meet yourself. My journey is both…though mostly, lately it is filled with joy. I have hung in there though the hard parts. Through classes that seemed like I am never going to get it and that everyone else gets it. Through times where people have left our dojo because of what and how I was teaching. Through times where Ron’s teacher acted badly and I wanted to leave and Ron wasn’t ready to leave yet. Through times where my oldest daughter was missing for months and I would cry at every class. Through classes where there was 25 people on the mat and times where there is 3 including Ron and I. Through a dojo that was in a dirty youth center basement where the roof leaked and kids ran all over the mat with their shoes on. Through teaching everywhere and anywhere I could; churches, schools, colleges, town fairs, inside and outside, company seminars, weird collections of va

bittersweet

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This morning I had a moment that almost hurt with joy. It was a small class. The sun was shining. All the windows and doors were open giving the illusion of being outside. The air was clear. The fans created a slight breeze. I could smell woods, blossoms and sweat. We were practicing ryote tori shiho nage... focusing on bending uke's elbow with the second hand, keeping nage's arms on a horizontal plane and doing an L step. I used to Hate, Hate, Hate shiho nage. A couple of years ago I decided to change my perspective. I embraced shiho nage. At first, I was definitely acting as if. Now I am loving it. I am still not great at it. There are awkward moments. However, my self acceptance and my openness to each unique uke and moment are increasing. I have declared this the summer of shiho nage . Each class we do shiho nage from some attack. I am focusing on three fundamental aspects. Who knows? By winter the awkward moments could be less as I relax more and more. I let go of the be

green cathedral

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The green cathedral that is my yard is awash with early morning light. The barrenness of winter is gone, replaced with subtle shades of green accented by filmy streaming yellow light. Birdsong blends with the slight rustle of leaves as Mr. Chip scurries to his haven in the gnarly apple tree. The splendor of late spring is more apparent than winter’s beauty yet every season holds its own wonder when I take time to look and listen. Last night in class Ron changed a technique ever so slightly and corrected me every time I did it my way. I wanted to argue and rebel. Then I saw and heard myself. I quieted. I did my best to do the technique the way he was teaching. My mind was not as open as it is sometimes. I did some inner grumbling and outward explaining. Then I shut up and focused on class. Every moment in class doesn’t feel fun yet every moment is important to my development. I don’t have to comfortable to learn. I brought some of the outer world onto the mat last night… a lucrative

it hurts sometimes

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Giving birth to one’s self is painful. How much easier it is to watch others and comment or criticize their development. The real pain in aikido is not nikkyo. The real pain is seeing me as I really am at 53 after 23 years of training. The real joy of aikido is not a nikkyo done crisply and correctly. The real joy of aikido is seeing who I am at 53 after 23 years of training.   Yes, I know that nikkyo hurts and nikkyo feels good. Sunday standing on the mat with my open heart exposed for the world to see was really hard, I wanted to run or deny or accuse…anything to make that moment feel different. Yet I stayed…I listened and I committed to change. Training in Aikido has helped me to stay and feel and change. I think I understand better some of O’Sensei’s message about self being the real enemy. Not all of it...there still is some rationalization in me, some ego screaming silently…yet I know when I show for class tonight…the mat will be there and the other students and Ron. We will bow

force

The other day during a class at MCLA we were practising kata tori ikkyo. I had a line of 8 students or so and was doing my usual as nage and black belt, helping them learn the technique. Dora Sensei has those of us with experience throw first in the line, so set the tone. We show how it feels for an uke, but also how we want them to practise, that is gentle.This went fine until my whole line had thrown and I had the chance to throw again. 2 young men decided for whatever their reasons, to "test" my ki when I had gotten them to the walking down to the mat portion of the throw. The first refused to go down and even began a little taunt about how he would not be defeated. I totally fell into the trap. (the one that is internal and had very little to do with him) I applied a bit of pressure on the wrist and used a sudden tenkan to "make" him abruptly hit the mat. He got up, looked at me odd and walked back to the line. The second fellow did the same and as I began to fe

spring?

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Two Canada geese rose up together from the rippling, slate gray, green pond. Their flight separated by inches. I could feel the blending and connection as their wings beat in unison to gain height. They rose first then turned in unison. All wings moving together… so close…never touching except in energy and movement. Barren wheat fields lay beneath the geese. The air smelled of snow and the promise of green beneath the brown and yellow shafts. Winter is ending, yet here in the Berkshires each sign of spring must be mentioned and relished. I saw crocuses today and now it is snowing. I bought some daffodils to remind me of summer’s sunshine. I have been really sick with flu. The yellow blossoms and the geese remind me that soon I will be back on the mat…spring will really be here and all is well right now.

on spatulas and centering

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Yesterday Ron and I practiced a short jo kata with spatulas in the living room. He was resistance at first but why not? The flippies were a little weird yet when we demonstrated before the class it worked just like I knew it would. During Ki exercises yesterday we did a ki testing where first we tested for one point traditionally at the shoulder. Then we grabbed our partner’s arm; ryote tori, pulling gently, consciously helping them establish and develop the centered feeling. Then the puller dropped their partner’s arm randomly. If the partner was not centered and was cheating just a little it was revealed by their loss of balance. I could feel the pull from the arm going down my legs as I focused on my center. Practicing centering is such an interesting way to experience our bodies. The head mind is quieted as we rely on our centered feeling, 2 inches below the belly button. I feel plugged in, in question and open to subtle direction. I love it!

mother nature teasing

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It snowed today. The wind blew white waves across the barren corn fields. Sun played with our heads by shining brightly, calling us out to play. Shocking briskness greeted us as we hurried to the car tricked by yesterday’s tease. In class this morning I felt roily. I wanted to argue and explain. We don’t. So I quieted and trained. My center returned. I was still confused but not frustrated. So much depends on the willingness to commit to myself over and over. Wanting to blame and rationalize only distract from the truth. It’s not you. It’s me. I can change one class at a time. Patience please, with the process. Spring always comes.

sparkles again. do we deserve all this beauty?

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Does the air always sparkle when it is cold and sunny? This morning looking out at my mountain and yard I was moved to tears by the beauty I live in. Hard choices have brought me to this life. It is totally worth every single thing I have not gotten to be right here right now. I may never be rich or famous yet I am rich and known and loved by some. That is enough and “Enough is as good as a feast”. I am excited about the seminar on Sunday and class tomorrow.

sparkles, faeries?

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There are sparkles in the air today, the faeries must be flying. The mountain is strong and deep blue. I can see the cold. The wind chime is blowing. I believe there are tinkles and can hear them in my mind. Last night 2 women showed up for class despite the weather. We did a whole class on ki development. The exercise that freaked me out on Saturday was more comfortable last night. I could find my center and move despite the invasive posture of the tester. Progress comes to those who train and train. Who said that? :o)

where is the mountain

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I see no mountain today. I see suggestion of a light blue shape behind filmy white. The black and brown of tree trunks and limbs contrast in the gray of the winter rain. I trust the mountain is still there though I can’t see it. Saturday’s class was like that. A flashback triggered PTSD…I feet nauseous and teary and the beginnings of a migraine. I step out of class to eat a banana and to remind myself that what happened was in the past. This day I am safe. I can feel my feet on the floor. I take deep breathes. Ron encouraged me to come back to class after a gentle hug. I finished class trusting in the process. Classes that feel the worst usually offer breakthrough. Sunday’s class was focused on two beginners. In giving I find my mountain again. It is always there.

shadows and ki

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What color is a shadow? Purple, absence of white, bluish black? It depends who is looking at it. The mountain looks black, the hot ball of fire is directly in front of me making me squint and shy away. Long thick shadows cover the snow that still looks fresh save for small animal tracks. All is well. Shomen attack can make people squint and shy away…yet they are safer if they enter or turn… What color is Ki? Is it red or deep blue? It must depend on who is feeling it. Mine feels deep and dark and good. My center got shook up in the last couple of weeks by events of the past. It is part of the process…before my ki deepens it scatters and percolates then it settles and becomes more dependable. I stay with the process…the feelings shift on and off the mat. All is well.

wanting to like it but feeling kind of blah

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The mountain is the color of old blue jeans, the sky so light a gray it is pearly, almost white but not. The trees are dull gray and brown, no flirty sunlight to make the colors dance. A quiet cold surrounds me, am I lonely or peaceful? A lone crow just flew overhead. Ki exercises felt dreamlike this morning. I had better get to the grocery store before I sit for the whole morning just because I don’t want to scrape the snow off my car or hear the crunch of snow under my feet. Acceptance doesn’t mean I have to love something…acceptance means I see what is real right now…the feeling will shift as I keep moving.

again

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The snow is barely visible yet it is falling steadily again. The trees are all outlined with white from the burly knots to the tiniest needle on the huge evergreens that surround our house. Gray sky, purple mountain, silent snow, muted white outlined greens and browns make it seem like I am alone in a quiet world. Tonight the dojo will be warm and filled with good folks. I love the feeling of days we have class. I do winter one day at a time. I can get though another day. Soon will be the January thaw…and then spring and then July when I feel young again on the mat in the warmth of summer.

pink clouds open heart

Pink is not a color I expect to see in the winter pallet, yet there it was on the mountain top and the cloud. The cold gray sky accented the light and darker pink above. As long as I keep my expectations low and my hopes high I can be surprised daily. Today in class we worked on exaggerating our posture, opening our chests and exposing our hearts. During freestyle I noticed one student’s posture stayed more open than usual. High hopes.

more thoughts of winter

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Slowly drifting snow is changed to faery dust sparkling through the trees by the wan January sun. My mood has shifted as easily to peace and joy and contentment. I can’t change the world or fix a sad child. I can come from a place of love consistently for myself and others. It wasn’t always so. My training has changed my perception of what is and what can be. Plain snow can turn to sparkles in a moment of quiet. I just got back inside from an hour of shoveling show. Who needs the gym? Faery dust gets really heavy on the ground. ;o) The dojo is ready for class tomorrow morning.
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The other day the sun made long blue shadows on the fresh white snow. Today we have a wintry mix. The light is even and duller, no shadows, just soft hues of grey, brown, green and blue accented by white snow. Ukes are like that. Each day, each uke brings new opportunities to relax, blend and explore. Assumptions can be acknowledged and then let go. When resistance is met I relax more, I turn or enter as I blend and down they go. Each time I choose to stay with, to let my center return, to be committed to my uke, my practice, my growing centered feeling. I watch. I notice. I feel. I continue. No matter what my mind might think, my center knows better.