Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Last night I really


felt what not being on the mat four times a week does for me. I felt lost, alone and that it was always going to feel this way. Dark thoughts seem like reality in the middle of the night. Hearing Dora’s voice in my head reminded me that when it seems the darkest is when it seems like it will last forever. It really is neither dark nor forever.

Training for me is everywhere. Last night in my bed…I trained. I prayed…I remembered what was real. I can’t ever blame uke. What is going on inside of me is my reaction to the circumstances at hand. Breathing deeply I looked at myself and my choices. The thoughts I was entertaining were hurting me. I looked for other possibilities. I changed what I could. I could breathe more. I could focus on my breath. The anxiety lifted slowly. I woke up later not refreshed but not crazy with anxiety. I slept again…grateful for my training that I can do anywhere.

2 comments:

  1. Thank you Mir for this. As I too have been absent more than I wish from the mat... Instead called to put my mother's life into boxes, but somehow there must be training in this. Yes, yes, breathe. we can always breathe.

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  2. And trust the process. Courage comes when we are busy doing what we are supposed to be doing.
    Thank you for your lovely poem. See you on the mat.
    Mir

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