Aikido as a way of life.

The green cathedral that is my yard is awash with early morning light. The barrenness of winter is gone, replaced with subtle shades of green accented by filmy streaming yellow light. Birdsong blends with the slight rustle of leaves as Mr. Chip scurries to his haven in the gnarly apple tree. The splendor of late spring is more apparent than winter’s beauty yet every season holds its own wonder when I take time to look and listen. Last night in class Ron changed a technique ever so slightly and corrected me every time I did it my way. I wanted to argue and rebel. Then I saw and heard myself. I quieted. I did my best to do the technique the way he was teaching. My mind was not as open as it is sometimes. I did some inner grumbling and outward explaining. Then I shut up and focused on class. Every moment in class doesn’t feel fun yet every moment is important to my development. I don’t have to comfortable to learn. I brought some of the outer world onto the mat last night… a lucrative...

Giving birth to one’s self is painful. How much easier it is to watch others and comment or criticize their development. The real pain in aikido is not nikkyo. The real pain is seeing me as I really am at 53 after 23 years of training. The real joy of aikido is not a nikkyo done crisply and correctly. The real joy of aikido is seeing who I am at 53 after 23 years of training.   Yes, I know that nikkyo hurts and nikkyo feels good. Sunday standing on the mat with my open heart exposed for the world to see was really hard, I wanted to run or deny or accuse…anything to make that moment feel different. Yet I stayed…I listened and I committed to change. Training in Aikido has helped me to stay and feel and change. I think I understand better some of O’Sensei’s message about self being the real enemy. Not all of it...there still is some rationalization in me, some ego screaming silently…yet I know when I show for class tonight…the mat will be there and the other students and Ron. We will ...

The other day during a class at MCLA we were practising kata tori ikkyo. I had a line of 8 students or so and was doing my usual as nage and black belt, helping them learn the technique. Dora Sensei has those of us with experience throw first in the line, so set the tone. We show how it feels for an uke, but also how we want them to practise, that is gentle.This went fine until my whole line had thrown and I had the chance to throw again. 2 young men decided for whatever their reasons, to "test" my ki when I had gotten them to the walking down to the mat portion of the throw. The first refused to go down and even began a little taunt about how he would not be defeated. I totally fell into the trap. (the one that is internal and had very little to do with him) I applied a bit of pressure on the wrist and used a sudden tenkan to "make" him abruptly hit the mat. He got up, looked at me odd and walked back to the line. The second fellow did the same and as I began to fe...

Two Canada geese rose up together from the rippling, slate gray, green pond. Their flight separated by inches. I could feel the blending and connection as their wings beat in unison to gain height. They rose first then turned in unison. All wings moving together… so close…never touching except in energy and movement. Barren wheat fields lay beneath the geese. The air smelled of snow and the promise of green beneath the brown and yellow shafts. Winter is ending, yet here in the Berkshires each sign of spring must be mentioned and relished. I saw crocuses today and now it is snowing. I bought some daffodils to remind me of summer’s sunshine. I have been really sick with flu. The yellow blossoms and the geese remind me that soon I will be back on the mat…spring will really be here and all is well right now.

Yesterday Ron and I practiced a short jo kata with spatulas in the living room. He was resistance at first but why not? The flippies were a little weird yet when we demonstrated before the class it worked just like I knew it would. During Ki exercises yesterday we did a ki testing where first we tested for one point traditionally at the shoulder. Then we grabbed our partner’s arm; ryote tori, pulling gently, consciously helping them establish and develop the centered feeling. Then the puller dropped their partner’s arm randomly. If the partner was not centered and was cheating just a little it was revealed by their loss of balance. I could feel the pull from the arm going down my legs as I focused on my center. Practicing centering is such an interesting way to experience our bodies. The head mind is quieted as we rely on our centered feeling, 2 inches below the belly button. I feel plugged in, in question and open to subtle direction. I love it!

It snowed today. The wind blew white waves across the barren corn fields. Sun played with our heads by shining brightly, calling us out to play. Shocking briskness greeted us as we hurried to the car tricked by yesterday’s tease. In class this morning I felt roily. I wanted to argue and explain. We don’t. So I quieted and trained. My center returned. I was still confused but not frustrated. So much depends on the willingness to commit to myself over and over. Wanting to blame and rationalize only distract from the truth. It’s not you. It’s me. I can change one class at a time. Patience please, with the process. Spring always comes.

Does the air always sparkle when it is cold and sunny? This morning looking out at my mountain and yard I was moved to tears by the beauty I live in. Hard choices have brought me to this life. It is totally worth every single thing I have not gotten to be right here right now. I may never be rich or famous yet I am rich and known and loved by some. That is enough and “Enough is as good as a feast”. I am excited about the seminar on Sunday and class tomorrow.