Staying with myself.

 Fall is such a great name for a beautiful season. We fell a lot in class today. I had an interesting experience. Ron had us do many movements without falling. He then had us just blend with yokemens. His idea was to move and flow. When I did an abrupt entering movement, he said “No, do more blending. Less confrontation.”  

I kept moving but noticed that I started to feel queasy and tired. Then I noticed that I was near tears. He then told us to get bokkens. I had to sit and rest for a minute. When Ron asked what the matter was, I told him I was feeling queasy and tired. That helped me feel a little better. I got up and practiced the short bokken kata he demonstrated.

After class I still felt a little queasy. I told Ron and Dora that I thought I was doing the technique correctly and when I found out that I was not, I was very hard on myself. Ron assured me that I was doing fine but he wanted me to flow more. I told him I understood but that sometimes my hearer is broken. I hear words like “You are wrong. You are stupid” even when I am gently corrected.

After I told them how I was feeling and what I was thinking, the queasy feeling went away. I did have a lump in my throat but that eased too as I talked about my history of self-abandonment and abuse. Aikido shakes me up and then I settle down with a healthier outlook.  I ended up having a great day.