Just keep moving.

 

Aikido training when I feel deeply upset is a challenge. I accept.  I have the disease of alcoholism. Some mornings I wake up feeling fine. Other times I wake up to a voice in my head telling me I am a terrible person and not worthy of being alive. No matter which way I wake up, I have a set practice that I do, no matter how I feel or what my brain has to say. 

 Yesterday we heard from a family member that he was very disappointed in us and was choosing not to be in a relationship with Ron and me.  I felt very sad and frustrated because I know that saying or doing anything will not change another person. I slept poorly as my mind poured over all my wrong doings over many years.  I felt heavy and discouraged this morning.  I prayed as I do every morning. I asked for help, then got up and acted like a woman who has asked for help. 

I found one aikido thought: keep moving. I got up, got dressed, did my bathroom stuff, and went upstairs to see how Ron was doing. I listened while he talked. He is having a gout flare up and is in a lot of pain. He is practicing accepting the circumstances and being in the now.  His example inspired me as I started my morning walk. During the walk I moved with my short bamboo stick to stretch out my arms and back. We chatted about how we were each feeling and we listened to each other just as uke and nage listen to each other while doing technique. I concentrated on my posture and being as relaxed as I could. The movement and conversation helped, my mind and shoulders relaxed.

On the mat, as nage we provide a structure for uke to move within. In life I can do the same. I can be consistent and non-reactionary. I can remain calm and accept another person’s viewpoint. I don’t have to be seen as right. I accept what is and move on. 

I felt inspired to write this. I don’t feel totally okay but I do feel okay enough to go on with my day and to keep myself open to opportunities to be of service and to enjoy this sweet life that has been given to me for another day. 

I can’t heal the generations of substance abuse in my family. I can live a simple, sober life. Aikido training has enhanced my life.