Aikido as a way of life.

It snowed today. The wind blew white waves across the barren corn fields. Sun played with our heads by shining brightly, calling us out to play. Shocking briskness greeted us as we hurried to the car tricked by yesterday’s tease. In class this morning I felt roily. I wanted to argue and explain. We don’t. So I quieted and trained. My center returned. I was still confused but not frustrated. So much depends on the willingness to commit to myself over and over. Wanting to blame and rationalize only distract from the truth. It’s not you. It’s me. I can change one class at a time. Patience please, with the process. Spring always comes.

Does the air always sparkle when it is cold and sunny? This morning looking out at my mountain and yard I was moved to tears by the beauty I live in. Hard choices have brought me to this life. It is totally worth every single thing I have not gotten to be right here right now. I may never be rich or famous yet I am rich and known and loved by some. That is enough and “Enough is as good as a feast”. I am excited about the seminar on Sunday and class tomorrow.

There are sparkles in the air today, the faeries must be flying. The mountain is strong and deep blue. I can see the cold. The wind chime is blowing. I believe there are tinkles and can hear them in my mind. Last night 2 women showed up for class despite the weather. We did a whole class on ki development. The exercise that freaked me out on Saturday was more comfortable last night. I could find my center and move despite the invasive posture of the tester. Progress comes to those who train and train. Who said that? :o)

I see no mountain today. I see suggestion of a light blue shape behind filmy white. The black and brown of tree trunks and limbs contrast in the gray of the winter rain. I trust the mountain is still there though I can’t see it. Saturday’s class was like that. A flashback triggered PTSD…I feet nauseous and teary and the beginnings of a migraine. I step out of class to eat a banana and to remind myself that what happened was in the past. This day I am safe. I can feel my feet on the floor. I take deep breathes. Ron encouraged me to come back to class after a gentle hug. I finished class trusting in the process. Classes that feel the worst usually offer breakthrough. Sunday’s class was focused on two beginners. In giving I find my mountain again. It is always there.